How to Talk to Your Teens About Sex - And Love

Once your children get to a certain age, usually around adolescence, unless they’ve been locked in your basement with no access to TV or the Internet, they will have heard about sex. And they may have heard about it from a variety of uninformed people – teens on TV, their friends, on social media or in the music they listen to.

It doesn’t matter if you are carefully monitoring every aspect of their lives - teen curiosity about sex is inevitable. Even if you are squeamish about the topic or believe or hope that your children will remain virgins for the rest of their lives, it’s better for you to talk to them, instead of the legions of influences that might not share your morals, values or sensibilities.

The conversation may be just as embarrassing for your children as it is for you, but it has to happen. Teens need your support as they start making decisions that could be life-changing. Here are a few suggestions on how to broach the topic.


Watch a TV show or movie together where the issue will come up, and try to create a conversation around it.
There are a number of movies where teens have sex, talk about sex or think about sex. In fact, just about every teen movie includes sex, even if the movie is not specifically about a sexual relationship. If you’re worried your child may view subject matter of which you might not approve, watch a few movies yourself and then figure out the best one to watch with your child. Even if your teen sees through your ploy, they may still be open to having that conversation.

If your child is a girl, the popular “Twilight” movies are a great place to start. Why? Bella and her vampire boyfriend, Edward, are in love, but are not having sex (At least in the first three movies; in the upcoming fourth installment, the two marry and, well, they do what married folks do.). The intensity and emotion of a teenage girl’s first love are well displayed in the “Twilight” movies, but they probably play better with girls, as many teen boys might find them corny.


Ask your child how many of their friends are having sex, and ask how they feel about it.
It’s a gateway to talking about sex, but keep in mind, your child may not be honest with you about how they really feel, especially if they’ve become sexually active without telling you. Unfortunately, many parents of teenagers find out their children are having sex when they contract an STD or become or get someone pregnant. It’s always a good idea to keep up with your child’s habits, know all the friends that they spend time with, and keep track of any dating or interest in the opposite sex. Even if they are prohibited from dating, that doesn’t mean they’re not interested. If all of your child’s friends are having sex, and several are pregnant, your child could be the goody-two-shoes of the crew – or he or she could be the leader. Keep the lines of communication open, and don’t assume. Ask.


Talk about love, relationships and sex to both sons and daughters. 

Since girls are the ones who bring babies into the world, many conversations directed toward them tend to be along the lines of a simple directive: “Keep your legs closed.” That's not the best idea in today’s world, where teens are bombarded with sexual imagery from all sides. It’s important to talk to girls about how to form a relationship without sex, about setting boundaries and about cultivating friendships with boys, not just relationships. It’s equally important to talk to boys about all of the above.

If you’re a single mom with sons, and there is a man you and your children trust – an uncle, a grandfather or family friend - have a conversation with that individual and let them handle "the talk.” With girls, it can be a good idea to have an older sibling or an auntie do the talking, as long as you feel comfortable with the advice or direction they give. Some children are just not going to be able to talk to their parents about sex, but there may be another family member they can go to.


Keep track of social media.
 If your child is on social media and accessing it from a phone or computer that you pay for, there is nothing wrong with asking to see what they’re doing online. Hacking into or monitoring your child’s online usage can inhibit trust, but hopefully you are in communication with them so that you don’t have to go to those extremes (The only exception to this would be if you believe your child is doing something illegal or that they could be suicidal. In those cases, drastic intervention may be necessary.). In fact, you should be your child’s Facebook friend, and you should be able to see their Twitter posts. One of the advantages of being your child’s Facebook friend is that you can see exchanges back and forth between them and others and can inquire about those posts if you don’t like their tone. If there are posts that indicate your child is having a relationship you aren’t aware of or if there are inappropriate postings, that’s certainly grounds for conversation.


Don’t assume religion will keep your children from sexual behavior.

Christian parents who are regular church-goers may believe that setting a moral example of expected behavior will preclude a conversation about sex. In fact, young people who are in church are curious too, and often, they get together. While it’s important to set expectations based on your Christian or other religious beliefs, this is the 21st century, and it’s best to be realistic about teenagers and their decision-making. It also doesn’t matter if your children bring home good grades, are in sports or are exemplary in every way. They are going to have questions, and you should have answers.


Don’t alienate children you suspect are gay.
Part of a conversation about sex is recognizing that there are children who are going to be gay or lesbian, maybe even transgendered. If you suspect that your child is gay, then they are going to need your support. Much of the bullying that results in suicides is because of perceived sexual orientation. In the African-American community, it can be difficult to broach this topic, as many families remain firmly against homosexuality. While it may not coincide with your personal beliefs, parental rejection of gay/lesbian children is one of the main reasons many of them become depressed and suicidal. Have an honest conversation with your child about your feelings, but offer them your love and support. It may be difficult, but it could mean the difference between supporting a gay child - or burying a dead one.